I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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