you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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