Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
