apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
