i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
