If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
