We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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