Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
