I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
