she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
