I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
