Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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