Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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