Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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