The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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