Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
