Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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