lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
