at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
