He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
