so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
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I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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