i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
