i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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