Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
