forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
