Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want nice things and good sex
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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