If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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