Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
