I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
