thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
