My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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