Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
