everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
