are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
