its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
