I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
