It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
