I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
