Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
