he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
