i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
