the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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