I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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