Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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