Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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