I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
