i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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