Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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