nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
