Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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