in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
