his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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