so explain again why im purple
no
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Dick very happy bro
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
