4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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