so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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