do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
