i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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