take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
