I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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